The following letter might not be directly from West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins, but it might as well be. I attended his Bearcat basketball camp in the 8th grade and somehow gained the ability to channel his thoughts. This is what he thinks about Saturday’s game.

Bearcat fans,

I know it’s been over a two years now since I took the only show in town on the road, and there was even a pitstop in Manhattan, Kansas in between, but I’ve finally made it home and there are a few words of wisdom that I would like to impart on you before you get embarrassed by my Mountaineers on Saturday.

First, you suck. I can’t stand you. Any of you. You might think that after spending 16 years trying to make your school and city relevant that I would have gained at least a little bit of appreciation and respect for what you have to offer. As soon as I find out what it is that you have to offer, I’d be more than happy to consider showing you that appreciation and respect. Until then, you can be haunted by the future success you kissed away in August 2005.

I am the University of Cincinnati - or at least I was until you all let that evil she-bitch Nancy Zimpher buy out my contract. Sure, you want to blame it on my DUI? What the hell else do you want me to do in that city? Haven’t you realized how depressing it is? If watching the Reds or Bengals consistently suck isn’t enough, try going out for a night on the town and seeing that you’re surrounded by overweight pigs with bleach blonde lesbian haircuts choking down a couple of PBR’s. Who can blame a guy for getting drunk and trying to drive into the Ohio River? It was a last resort. I tried to get caught up in one of your 5 billion yearly drive-by shootings but had no luck.

But, this isn’t about me. We will have plenty of time for that when my Mountaineers kick the crap out of your sorry basketball team twice a year for the next quarter century. We’re here to talk about football, which is rarely the case in November in the Queen City. And by the way, what the hell kind of name for a city is that? I guess someone had already claimed Fairy Town.

Anyway, you should have taken a pointer from your cross-town snuggle buddy, Xavier, and done away with your football program years ago. You’ve averaged 4.8 wins per season over the past 20 years and, at one point, went 47 years without making it to a bowl game. When you add that onto the crap you’re throwing onto the basketball court these days, it makes one stop and really consider what you’re doing in the Big East.

So this year is different, huh? Everyone says this is another step in putting the Bearcats into position to compete every year. Well, consider this for a moment. Right now, your best player is a retread quarterback from a mediocre program whose last name happens to be my favorite kind of turtle neck. Could it be any more obvious that you miss me? You might as well just paint my face in the middle of the field.

And then you tell everyone that this team is special. And by special, I hope you mean in the Olympics kind of way. You’ve managed to lose to Big East bottom feeders Louisville and Pitt, something that even Syracuse didn’t do. Sure, Louisville was ranked in the top 10 at the beginning of the season, but when they are giving up 41 points a game and your super awesome offense can only manage 24, don’t you think there is a problem? And sure Pitt has been putting together big recruiting classes under Dave Wannestadt, but I wouldn’t consider them very good. But, then again, you can’t beat every 2-4 team you line up against, right?

So, suck it Bearcat fans. You think the Curse of the Babe was bad for the Red Sox faithful? Well, you no loyalty-having dirtbags, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Enjoy the curse of Huggins. It’s going to be a bitch.