An Open Letter to Notre Dame
By JWilson on Dec 10, 2007 in Featured, Humor
(Note: The best way to feel better about your situation is to make fun of someone else!)
Dear Notre Dame Administration, Players and Fans,
America wants you to improve, no NEEDS you to. It’s way too easy for us to make jokes about how you guys have an exclusive TV channel, we hear about your “storied” past, etc. Please take the following three pieces of advice seriously. Touchdown Jesus is weeping:
- Change your schedule. I put one together for you (I resisted copying Ohio State’s because entry into the Big 10 would almost guarantee you 7 wins a year…but that’s not good enough
- Join the Big Ten – You’re not good enough to get away with not joining a conference in only football, and we don’t want you in the Big East. We would just trade you off to the Big Ten for Penn State and a TV channel to be named later. The Big Ten would put you with your peers.
- Hire Bill Callahan…at least then you’ll have an excuse.
| Game | Team | Comments |
| 1 | Army | Play them before they warm up |
| 2 | @ Duke | |
| 3 | Denison University | (my Alma Mater) Make sure you guys play exclusively at home, they are nasty on the road |
| 4 | @ WVU Delta Gamma Sorority | Powder Puff Division Champs |
| 5 | Oscoda Area High School | Strength of Schedule boost |
| 6 | @ London Silly Nannies | |
| 7 | New York Yankees | |
| 8 | @ Notre Dame’s JV Team | I needed to get you another away game |
| 9 | Miami Dolphins | Early reports put you 7.5 points ahead |
| 10 | Utah State | |
| 11 | @ Parkersburg High School | Neutral Field to be named later |
| 12 | Earlham College | New in-state rivalry |
This should get you at least 7 wins. Only Ohio State and Hawaii have easier schedules.
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Mike | Dec 17, 2007 | Reply
Wow. Your slights against the Big Ten just make me giggle. Do you HONESTLY believe that the Big East not only is better than the Big Ten, but MUCH better? Are you that stupid?
Look at your crap conference without the WVU homer glasses on. UConn was a fluke this year. So was South Florida. Pitt and Syracuse are beyond putrid (and have been for over 10 years each). Rutgers has had a couple decent seasons, but there’s no real reason to believe that they’ll continue to be any good. Cincinnati? Seriously? Am I supposed to take them seriously? And then there’s the Bobby Petrino-less Louisville. They likely would have been better had Brohm not gotten hurt, but they haven’t shown anything.
Let’s see a head-to-head between the Big Ten and Big East:
WVU vs. OSU: hard to call. The Buckeye defense is excellent, but so is the Mountaineer offense. A toss up.
UConn vs. Illnois: Williams and Mendenhall would have a field day against a team that rightfully lost to frickin’ TEMPLE.
Cincinnati vs. Michigan: Not even worth discussing. The Bearcats just don’t have the athletes to compete with Big Blue.
South Florida vs. Wisconsin: South Florida wins this one in warm weather, but can’t hang with the Badgers in real weather. Another toss-up.
Rutgers vs. Penn State: Even with Morelli, the interception machine, the PSU linebackers destroy the Scarlet Knights.
Louisville vs. Indiana: Lewis and Hardy against the Cards’ mediocre defense? Wow.
Pitt vs. Northwestern: Who cares? Both teams stink.
Syracuse vs. Minnesota: Ditto.
So, there’s not a single matchup that’s guaranteed for the Big East. Not one. For a conference that’s supposedly so much better, I’d be a little concerned if I were you.